{"id":6367,"date":"2026-04-15T17:22:45","date_gmt":"2026-04-15T17:22:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/oxfordschool.com\/padova\/?p=6367"},"modified":"2026-04-15T17:22:46","modified_gmt":"2026-04-15T17:22:46","slug":"we-shouldnt-be-training-our-young-people-to-ignore-difficult-emotions-heres-why-and-what-you-can-do-to-help-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/oxfordschool.com\/padova\/we-shouldnt-be-training-our-young-people-to-ignore-difficult-emotions-heres-why-and-what-you-can-do-to-help-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"We shouldn’t be training our young people to ignore difficult emotions; here’s why and what YOU can do to help – Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Michelle Stephens<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

My name is Michelle and I’m a neuropsychologist (LM51), educational coach and qualified teacher (PGCE) with nearly 20 years of experience in the field. I’m working with Oxford School of Padova to bring inclusion topics into the field of English teaching and education in general. This article is part of a series in which we’re exploring different neurological and neuropsychological concepts which aim to not only improve accessibility to education, but also give YOU – the parent or teacher – concrete ways in which you can achieve this with your students.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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We spoke about the neural mechanisms behind guilt in neurotypical brains, and how that affects learning in our last blog –\u00a0 in short, the prefrontal cortex and the anterior cingulate cortex are highlighted for higher level tracking, but guilt also ropes in more primitive parts of the brain, like the insula and the amygdala to give bodily feedback on the feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today we’re going to talk about two of the most popularly discussed neurodivergences – ADHD and ASD (autism spectrum disorder). Please remember though, neurodivergence comes in many different types – as do brains – and this advice may not work for all of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. ADHD<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Let’s start with ADHD brains, my favourite thing to talk about.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve seen many parents tearing their hair out when their ADHD child says they feel bad after being told off, but then goes and does exactly the same thing again. It’s frustrating for everyone involved… so, why does it happen? If you truly feel badly about doing something, why do it again?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, ADHD brains have many strengths but they have difficulty with things that neurotypical brains might not have. We saw that guilt acts, in neurotypical brains, as a signal for behavioural change. In ADHD brains it’s not that there’s no guilt signal, or that they are lying about feeling bad, it’s that the mechanisms required for behavioural change don’t function in the same way that they might for other brain types.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, many people with ADHD report frequent guilt and self-criticism, but the stronger evidence is for repeated criticism, shame, and difficulty translating intentions into action (https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC8856522\/<\/a>).\u00a0 In fact some sources report that kids with ADHD receive 7 times the amount of negative feedback their NT counterparts get. Others cite numbers like “ADHD children receive on average 20,000 negative messages by the time they’re 12” (https:\/\/chadd.org\/adhd-weekly\/use-summer-to-improve-your-parent-child-relationship\/<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While this isn’t empirically founded, it’s certainly believable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So why do ADHD kids “let” themselves be told off so often? Why not just do what they should?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, it’s not so much about “letting” themselves do anything, nor is it as simple as getting up and doing the thing. Let me explain why:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ADHD is associated with dopamine regulation, dopamine is key for motivation, reward anticipation and task initiation. Guilt is a NEGATIVE emotional signal, which means it doesn’t generate enough interest for the neural systems to reward the behaviour. This isn’t DESIRE, it’s literally like a car engine that doesn’t have enough fuel to start. No matter how much you try, there’s never going to be any kind of ignition if there’s no fuel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is why ADHD is often described as being interest based and not importance based – ADHDers tend to focus heavily on things that are salient to them, and ways to make things salient are through reward, novelty, urgency and interest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second neurological reason is that emotional overload actually blocks learning. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many neurodivergent profiles have strong emotional responses and a greater difficulty in regulating their emotions – meaning that they’re often longer-lasting or more all encompassing than with NT kids. This can even be amplified by factors like rejection sensitivity dysphoria.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This means that guilt becomes overwhelming instead of informative, attention gets pulled inwards and redirected at the “self” and cognitive resources are consequently reduced – more are being used to berate themselves and manage the emotional reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They want to make things better, but they lack the tools, so instead they get stuck in a guilt loop – you feel bad, but never change. In fact, EEG studies show INCREASED emotional responses AND less inhibition over that feeling, this suggests they feel guilt even more overwhelmingly than neurotypicals do (https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/abs\/pii\/S0028393205001260<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The shift from guilt to shame may also happen faster <\/strong>(https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC8856522\/<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because the person has repeated experiences of trying and “failing”, forgetting things and being corrected (often harshly) guilt can quickly transform from “this action was wrong” to “I’m a problem”. Shame is a separate but equally strong emotion to guilt which is linked to avoidance of tasks\/people, disengagement and reduced learning – “if I suck at this what’s the point in doing it?” and when we use guilt to try to regulate behaviour, especially in ADHD kids, it can cause a loop of avoidance:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

do “bad” thing – get told off – feel badly – internalise – guilt turns into shame “I’m the problem” – avoid activity or person – feel bad for not doing what you should do – internalise more and so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

External regulation works better than internal guilt<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Research and clinical models suggest ADHD brains rely more on:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

external structure, immediate feedback and social presence instead of internal signals like guilt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s why things like body doubling, deadlines with accountability and real-time feedback work better than: \u201cyou should do this\u201d or \u201cyou should feel bad for not doing this\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So how does that work, practically? What can you do as a parent or educator to help?<\/mark><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

1. Externalise the signal<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n